The Walls I Built to Protect Me // Guest Goddess Kari DeWitt
The strongly built walls and barriers we built to protect ourselves.
I want to tell you a story about building strong walls and what I have learned from it. My wish is that you find a nugget or three that resonates with you and will impact your soul's evolution in this human experience.
I built the walls strong, I mean they were SOLID, sturdy, impenetrable, and yet undetectable most times. My walls were not blatant, bold, or in your face. No, they were mysterious, secret, hidden, and really undetectable to most
These walls gave me a sense of security and control. Letting people beyond them felt like I was not in control, it felt scary and even dangerous. “What if I let them in and they don’t like what’s inside? Then what?”
I made it virtually impossible for anyone to breach those walls. I became quite the pro at letting people close enough where they felt like they were seeing all of me, but behind the walls was kept safe and hidden.
My walls became so strong, so secure that I couldn’t even seem to breach it. I had built the wall so sturdy that I had lost touch with what was on the other side. And what I later discovered is that what was locked behind those walls was ME! The most authentic, most aligned version of who I really am. Yet, I was terrified of this version of me so I hid her there. More like locked her in there and threw away the key.
This in turn hurt every relationship in my life in some way...my relationship with myself was the one that paid the biggest price. The more I shoved her deeper into the dark spaces of my being, the more I lost touch with her and the more I felt like I faded into the background in my physical form also
I have learned that denying your true nature, your true authentic expression of your beingness, your most soul aligned self, your brilliance, your magic, your light, is an ultimate form of self abuse. It doesn’t feel like it in the moment. In the moment it feels like safety.
I had this version of who I was supposed to be seared in my mind and the one I was pushing deeper and deeper did NOT match and therefore had to be hidden.
How could I love her if I hid her? How could I nurture and support her if I denied her existence?
The version of me that people got, was the version I thought I was supposed to be. The version I thought people wanted me to be. The version that I felt others would approve of. The version that seemed to earn me love.
The hard truth is THIS is not an act of self love. It’s an act of self denial to make others happy or to make sure they approve of your beingness. Ouch! The people pleasing monster is a BITCH!!!!
Here’s what I noticed about myself when I look back…I didn’t love myself. How could I? I was wearing a mask and denying my existence without it.
In turn, I looked for my worth and value in others and in how they treated me. I based my value in the validation of others. I questioned everything about myself, about others, about truth, about love, about EVERYTHING. I questioned people and their intentions, not because they have done anything to cause my questioning, but rather because of my belief in myself and my feelings of being unworthy and undeserving of love and good things in life. I had judgements about people, which in truth had nothing to do with them at all. They came from my own self judgements and self imposed (that I thought were otherwise imposed at the time) limitations and lack of self love. I was envious and jealous. I did everything I could to convince people that I was lovable and worth being loved. I made excuses for my poor behavior. “It’s not my fault. They made me…”. And then I felt completely guilty and shameful when I realized I had behaved in these ways and then would turn right around and do them again because it was my only understanding of how to “earn” love.
The journey to self love is no easy road. Busting down those walls is not work for the faint hearted. Healing is not always sunshine and rainbow sparkles. Anyone who tells you otherwise has not dug through their internal rubble to free their soul from the cage they locked it in. Some call this the “dark night of the soul”. It is MESSY AF looking at the old programming and uninstalling it to prepare for a new installation. It is the most gloriously epic, expansive, healing journey one can take in this human life.
You are a soul living out a human experience. I believe souls are fragments of Source energy, experiencing itself in human form. Source desires to feel ALL human emotions and experience life through OUR human experience.
“Souls love each other and tell the truth.” - Ram Dass
A soul doesn’t hate itself. It doesn’t hate the human it lives in. It doesn’t have the human experience you have had. It doesn’t hate who you needed to be. It doesn’t hate others. It doesn’t hate emotions. It doesn’t hate at all. A soul loves EVERYTHING. And when you connect with that soul, you will begin to love EVERYTHING, including yourself.
So what happens when you realize you are a soul and you learn to love yourself fully and completely as that soul…and learn to love the human experience you are in???
You start to know you’re worthy of incredible, intense, powerful, unshakable, unconditional love. You learn the profound lesson that it doesn’t have to come from another person for you to know any of it...it comes from within yourself! YOU ARE LOVE! You realize you don’t need seek validation from others. You learn how to let go of expected outcomes, trusting in your souls path and purpose. You learn that the peace you desire is always within you, you just have to claim it. You begin to love yourself even when things aren’t going well or others aren’t showing you love in a way that feels like love to you. You begin to find love oozing in so many delicious ways. You become unavailable for anything less than what feels like a FUQ YES! You start to live the life that aligns with your soul, even when others don’t agree or understand. You no longer seek out comfort and love in other people and get really excited that love is always ever present within yourself, when you look for it.
I will give you an example so you can FEEL it in your body. Change doesn’t happen just with thought, even though that’s where it begins. Change happens when you FEEL it.
Have you ever had that feeling of falling in love or the excitement of a dream coming true? The colors seem to be more vivid. Things seem to taste better. You break out dancing just because you feel so good. Everything seems to come to life, seems to be bursting with life. Even the hard stuff seems to melt away because love or excitement is so strong and nothing can win over love. The louder it is, the more room it takes up, the more easeful and delicious life begins to feel. You have an incredible sense of peace and contentment because everything you were wanting seems to appear right in front of you.
It’s beautiful! It’s magical, really! I can’t think of any better words to describe that feeling.
In doing this really important work of connecting to your soul and your soul-led life you will begin to cultivate healthy, loving, relationships with other humans...be it your parents, your children, your friends, your partner, or spouse. You also learn how to set up healthy boundaries that show them how to love you in a way that feels like love to you.
I will caution you though...this isn’t a do the work and you’re done kinda thing. This takes consistency throughout your life. We have so much old programming that has been being stored in us since birth (even before, but that’s another story all together). This is about consistently inviting soul (your highest version of self, your inner being) to guide your path and pointing yourself in the direction of that guidance.
If you are pointed in a different direction, you will feel the upstream pull and struggle. Nothing is wrong, you are just plugging into old programming and pointing upstream rather than down. Just because the programming tells us something should be a certain way, doesn’t mean that is the most aligned way for YOU!
Feel, don’t think. The mind lies to us. It tells us we can’t have, do, be all the we desire. It sometimes will tell us not to point downstream because we don’t know what’s that way. We know what’s upstream, we have been there, we can navigate the path better when we have seen it before. When we haven’t seen it before, it feels pretty scary.
It’s like opening the door to your soul and all you see is darkness. You don’t know what’s on the other side of the doorway. You don’t know what will happen if you step through. Is there solid ground? Will you fall into the abyss? Will you get sucked into the darkness? Will it swallow you up? Will you survive?
It takes continuous recognition of when old patterns, programs, stories, and beliefs come up. When we open this door they all seem to arise from the ashes like the ghost of Christmas past. It’s not a whole lot of fun to look at them, but without the awareness of what is, how will you know what to change? Awareness is key! Not judgment, but awareness.
I invite you to relax into this journey down the river of life. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is happening for your soul's evolution. You soul desires you to live aligned to the path and purpose your came here for…and just a hint…it’s NOT to live for other people!
One of the most profound tools I have used on my journey is the S.T.A.R.S Blueprint that was downloaded into me last year when I was to in a very difficult part of my journey. Maybe it will support you in your journey as well.
Surrender. Trust. Allow. Release. Share.
Surrender to your soul’s guidance down the river of life, which will not come from your mind, but from deep within, you can feel it. The soul uses the body to speak to us and give us messages. Allow yourself to get still and quiet and listen to the body. What is it telling you? Lay back in the river and enjoy the ride. Point yourself downstream rather than fighting like hell to swim upstream to a destination you “think” you are supposed to be. Surrender.
Trust that you are ALWAYS taken care of! If you question this…think back, was there ever a time you didn’t make it? If you are here reading this, you are still here! Ask for the support you need. We each have an entire spiritual team that is just waiting for you to ask for their help. We have free will and they cannot help you until you ask for it. So if you are getting your ass handed to you by the river as it tosses you around, ask for a life raft and lay back and enjoy the ride.
Allow soul to guide your vessel. This means take your hands off the oars!!!! This part is so freakin hard sometimes, I KNOW!!! We hold the oars with a death grib, working hard to make sure our vessel goes where we think is the best route. We panic when the river splits and we don’t know which way to go. Sometimes we sit right on the pinnacle of the split trying to decide which way to go. Struggling with “what if I make the wrong decision?” What if, no matter which way you go, it was exactly the way you were meant to go??? What if you trusted soul to guide you rather than trying to control it?
Release everything!!! Say WHAT???? Yep, you heard me, release everything. Releasing doesn’t mean we are left alone and push everything away. It means we allow what is for us to come in and what is trying to leave to depart with love and trust that we each are to follow our own paths. If someones vessel is going down the opposite part of the river as we are, if we try to hold on to them so they don’t go, we suffer…as do they. Releasing is the ultimate expression of love.
And then Share because when we share, others are inspired. When we share our story, it helps others see they aren’t alone. When we share, we are not only lifting ourselves up and acknowledging our own epic, beautiful, messy, amazing journey and that feels good (even though it can feel scary).
It really is an exciting journey, this journey down the river of life!
5 years ago at the beginning of my self-love, self-discovery journey and the beginning of my training to become a coach, I said these words, “It’s about loving myself in the moment, no matter where I am in the journey”. Ahhh, wise words from someone who had absolutely NO idea her journey was taking her to her most authentic, gay, spiritual, cosmic, loving, expansive soul version of self to live out her soul's mission in this life.
Much love to you beautiful soul who is reading this! Do something today that future YOU will appreciate! You are worth it!!!! Your soul is calling you! Will you answer?
❤️❤️❤️
Kari
Kari DeWitt is the creator of Karing Transformational Coaching and hosts a Late Bloomer Lesbian+ Support Group on FaceBook.
Kari was also featured on Anjua’s The Electric Feminine Podcast. Her episode Follow the Fuck Yes is one the highest downloaded episodes of all 18 episodes so far.
https://karidewitt.com/